On Death At Work

A few months ago I had the opportunity to be interviewed by my friend and “HR Famous” blogger, speaker, and general badass Laurie Ruettimann about authenticity at work. Although our conversation’s focus was on identity and bringing your “full self” to work, we found ourselves talking about quite a number of topics.

Interestingly enough, the idea of death (via thinking about one’s legacy) came up and Laurie off-handedly commented about how all of her recent interview conversations had somehow brought up HR, sex, religion, and death. It’s the circle of life, y’all.

Since these all seem to play a huge part in our lives (and, by extension, the workplace) I figured why not tackle these in the blog? Over the coming weeks we’ll focus on each of those topics and how they weave their way into the workplace.

And why not start with the easiest one? Death.

I write this blog post on the anniversary of my mother’s passing. Fourteen years ago we lost her due to complications related to Lupus. I woke up after a night out with friends to find my mother’s lifeless body in the living room. She was seated in her favorite reclining chair and hooked up to an oxygen tank that she was using - my mother didn’t go out without a fight.

I was 20, and finishing up my last year in undergrad. My community was there for me and supported me during what has been one of the most challenging and difficult times in my life. I was able to take some time away, work with my professors, and still graduate that spring in spite of the horrible circumstances I was facing. I don’t say this to hype myself up, but instead to highlight how I was able to get through this situation with the care and support of the system around me.

Flash-forward over a decade later and I’ve had to deal with death in the workplace. Over the last few years I have had teammates who have lost friends or family members, and we have even had a few employees themselves who passed away. As a team leader, and an HR person, it’s critical that we are ready to handle the emotional complexities of grief and mourning. And even more importantly it’s our job to make sure that people feel supported during this time as individuals, as teammates, and as part of an organization.

Too often as HR professionals we turn to a Bereavement Leave Policy that dictates: 1) the type of loss that’s covered under the policy and 2) the amount of time “allowed” for someone to grieve without dipping into their paid-time-off allocation. Oh and sometimes you’re limited to a certain number of Bereavement Days per year, so don’t have too many people die at once. Woof.

A Bereavement Policy like this, while well-intentioned, misses the mark on several fronts:

It doesn’t actually provide support for grieving employees. In a world where mental health is at a premium and cited as one of the number one areas of concern and disease for millennials, a policy like this equates not using your vacation time as a suitable substitute for help. There’s no mention of resources an employee can rely on for emotional or mental health support, like an EAP or an employee health benefit. There’s no resources for managers or co-workers to help support a grieving co-worker.

It problematically defines and limits what family is or can look like. More and more, families are being defined less by blood relation and more by level of closeness or intimacy we have with another human being. Extended family members (beyond the immediate nuclear parent/sibling/child relationships) often get short shrift in this, with fewer days allowed for these types of relationships given because of their perceived distance from the employee. People who are partnered but unmarried might also not get coverage if their partner isn’t somehow legally their spouse.

It doesn’t address the complexity of grief. Anyone who has lost someone in their life can attest the grief is a strange animal. The best metaphor I can think of is to liken it to waves of the sea: there are moments when the waves are intense, frequent, and consuming. Then there are moments when the sea is calm and beautiful. But you’re never sure when the weather might shift and the waves come back. A policy dictated by a limited, immediate timeframe misses out on how grief truly operates.

While not all-encompassing, these are just a few of the reasons a standard bereavement policy just doesn’t cut it in our modern workplace. A truly humane and holistic policy will help to solve for those key issues and more. So dust off those policy manuals and review what (if any) policy you might have around death in the workplace. Is it really there to support the living and grieving?

And while you’re updating that stodgy policy document, give some thought to how, as a team and an organization, you might better be able to provide support to those who grieve so that they can get through this difficult situation feeling cared for. It will help make all of the difference in the world to those who grieve.